A few weeks ago, I began to think I’d better make plans for the anniversary of my husband’s passing, December the 12th last year. It made sense that it would take a full year to process all the annual holidays and special events without him, in acceptance of the new normal. And all the people who gave me advice warned me not to make any important decisions (like getting a dog or moving) for a year. Others predicted the actual anniversary would be so hard, bringing back reminders of the day he died, that I I certainly would need to be with others who loved him to honor his memory. And then there were his cremains… still some waiting to be put in a waterway as per his wishes, and certainly it should be done within a year. So, needless to say, 12-12 had grown in heavy significance.
Before these holidays, I had just begun to have more “good days” where my connections with friends and neighbors were not all about how I was doing as a widow, and more about sharing happy activities and visits. I did know that once the holiday season of traditions started, I’d really have to focus on gratitude to try to replace my grieving thoughts of missing him, even though I feel his spirit is still with me. I knew I’d have to accept that decorating the house and buying presents would not be about delighting him with my efforts or sharing decisions, but owning it alone. which meant I had to learn to do it to please me…a new concept. I also soon discovered that single people are no longer invited to the coupled Christmas gatherings, and I would need to accept that change as well. That meant I needed to seek out single friends and neighbors who would also like to make plans for happy events and start new traditions.
So, as 12-12 is approaching, I am fine so far. I will be with family and we’ll do a small memorial and put the final cremains into the water. Yes, I’ll cry, but the big milestone will no longer be looming. In fact, I’m feeling released… free to start creating my new page, like the way I feel on the first day of the new year, but this time knowing it’s with his spirit. I’m so unbelievably grateful he lived, and that we had 54 years of loving each other. If I focus on the present and the future, I feel uplifted knowing I have the rest of my life to continue our soul love, and to learn to communicate with his continuing conciousness by my side.
What an interesting and comforting new perspective. And as I go back to our wedding vows, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, etc. the only one I’d change is the one that says “till death do us part” because we haven’t parted and his soul is still alive. 12 -12 just marks the anniversary of our souls’ amazing new adventure together. And even as I just wrote this, my cell phone made a ding ding notification sound, with no new messages. He’s wishing me a Happy Angelversary!
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