I am grateful for the almost 54 years my late husband and I had together before he transitioned, but simultaneously just so sad. I even feel selfish as I admit I wanted more…it wasn’t enough. How could 19,775 days not be enough? When it’s so good, I guess, especially at the end. We always loved each other even when we argued. We always loved each other even when we’d be sharp with each other, or found each other irritating. Nothing we’d do to cause the combustion couldn’t be explained by a miscommunication, bad mood, selfish moment or being simply human. Nothing we did caused us to not want to marry, or grounds for divorce. And the beauty of having all those years together was the learning how one another thought, what we each believed, and what our buttons were, making apologies and forgiveness easier and easier.
The biggest lesson learned over five decades was the gradual discovery of how we not only forgive, but embrace and appreciate the uniqueness of our partner. He thought everything was a joke and fun to bust on me, and I had thin skin and lowself-esteem…not a good combo. Over time he learned me, and I learned to appreciate how much laughter and lightness he spread everywhere he went… his calling – and now a life’s legacy. I also knew his intentions were never to embarrass me…like he said, he’s giving me his entire life, how could that not prove his love? And once we reached his final years of complex illnesses, his trying 100% to stay alive, and my trying 100% to keep him, all that maturity of love naturally rose so high above those little misundrestandings and bad mood comments. You finally get to the highest level of unconditional love when you discover what really matters in the end. And it only took the majority of those 19,775 days to learn that lesson.
The good news is that I feel his love still around me from his soul…his essence. In other posts I’ve commented on his signs and they continue with uncanny timing of unexplainable experiences. He always told me he would let me know when he got there. We had many discussions when he’d remind me that our joined physical part of our shared soul’s eternities was just a segment in time. It would be just a part of our infinte time together, sharing the Oneness. Our essences that come before the physical, share the physical, and then continue after the physical, will never be separate or gone. We are still together. And now when I think of his words, it is so comforting.
Leave a Reply