TALES FROM THE BOBBI LAMA

I realize now that “my story” about myself had become a prison of sorts – defining my limits of well-practiced worries in my own mind. Do you ever feel that way? That what you tell yourself is true even though you know it’s based on fear?  I truly believed that losing my husband would be unfathomable, and I wouldn’t survive without him. He had been my everything for 54 years. And even though we didn’t always agree, (and even had some pretty heated arguments,) there was always our love that bound us together for this entire lifetime. 

My fearful, insecure thoughts had me so certain of this, that my life focus evolved into keeping him alive even after his doctors would scroll down his medical history in disbelief, saying, “I can’t explain you! How are you still alive?” With fifty-plus years of type-one diabetes and all those related system damages, a heart attack with stents, congestive heart failure, leukemia with two rounds of chemo and a few other diagnoses, you’d think I would have started letting go with such a reality smacking us both in the face. Nope…we stayed positive, each giving our 100%, and pushing through to squeak out that extra 15 to 20 unexpected years. And then it happened.

On the morning of December 12^th, 2021, I woke up and saw his face pale and cold, no breathing and no response, and I knew…

My journey has obviously not been easy, as I’m sure you might imagine…especially if you’ve suffered significant loss yourself, but I’m here, and I’m surviving. Most of all, I’m learning about my thoughts and how they have had such an elusive power to drop me into a grief-stricken Black Hole, sobbing, or hijack my rational mind with a flash of fear that I’m not going to be able to handle something important.  That little voice from my childhood, ever-ready and just under the surface, is well-woven into my tapestry of thoughts that make up “my story.” I am finally finding out, it’s not true. Maybe the fear was a great motivator to keep Jack alive at that time…I’ll give it that, but it doesn’t serve me anymore.

My mind challenges those doubts, those “will I be smart enough?  strong enough? capable enough?” worries. I’ve had a lifetime of careers that should prove to me my story is false. I’ve been certified as a teacher, a counselor, a life coach, a clinical hypnotherapist, and I’m an author. Why wouldn’t that be enough? Because, I’ve learned from my experience, those insecure thoughts are embedded so deeply that it takes work to catch yourself when “buying into” those thoughts…even if you know this to be true! 

Yesterday I happened to “catch it” when I unearthed a document that Jack had so romantically given me as a present. He had named a star after me from the International Star Registry. He called it “The BobbiLama”. I immediately broke down crying so hard, missing him, from some infinite depth from which I didn’t think I could recover.  It was then I observed the power of my thoughts, my story that I wouldn’t be okay or that he was truly gone. I do believe his spirt is still with me, and I do believe I will be okay. I’ve made it through 8 months so far proving just that. My goal is to observe my thoughts and not believe everything I think, and to help others to let go of the stories that don’t serve them as well. I think of thoughts now as the clouds that obscure the beautiful sky and sun in all their glory. We know it’s right behind those clouds.

How about you? Have you ever thought about the source of your negative thoughts?  Or how some very capable people doubt themselves? I’d love to hear from you.